Here goes nothing, I'm competing!

The following is a letter that I sent to some of my family and friends today to let them know I was committing to do a fitness competition...I plan to blog about my journey and post on Facebook.  I so often find inspiration from my friends and family and will need your support over the next several months.  I would love to have you follow along on my journey with me.

I wanted to write this letter to explain to you my goal for the next 9-11 months.  I am planning on competing in a fitness competition in the bikini category.  What this means is I am going to be working very hard for the next 9 months or so on building my physique to compete with other women in my age group and will be judged on my muscularity and body shape.  

I am asking for your support in this journey.  I have been considering doing it for a couple of years now and I finally feel like I am at a place where my fear of failure isn’t going to take over my desire to challenge myself.  I realize you may have a lot of questions in regards to my choice to do this and you may wonder why I would want to put myself through such a challenge.  Here is what I can tell you.  I love lifting weights, I am good at it.  There are very few things that I have for myself these days as I am raising two small kids and taking care of our home (which I wouldn’t trade for anything) and the feeling of empowerment that I get from working hard in the gym gives me a special kind of confidence and not to mention energy to keep up with the little ones.  I have always had a competitive spirit and there isn’t much competition when raising kiddos (thank goodness), so lifting weights  allows me an avenue to challenge myself.  I feel excited about pushing myself and having something to work towards and I ask that you would feel that excitement with me.  

Here are somethings to expect while I am on my journey.  I will be restricted with my food and drinks.  I will be able to have some flexibility with what I eat but that will get more restricted the closer I get to my show.  This will be the hardest part of my journey.  I love food…junk food, mexican food, pizza etc.  I will want these things and as I mentioned, in the beginning I will have more flexibility to fit certain things into my diet but as my show approaches I will have to fight the urge to have most of them.  This is a huge mental challenge but I am up for it.  This does not mean I am asking you to not eat these things in front of me or talk about the wonderful meals you had, I just want to make you aware that I can not have them (especially closer to the competition).  Please don’t offer me sweets or things you know I can not have during this time.  Saying something like “just have one piece of cake, it wont hurt you that much” or “you look hungry, have a french fry” is only going to make it harder for me. Another thing to note is that I will not be doing this competition in an unhealthy way.  I will be following flexible dieting, I won’t allow myself to become dehydrated, or malnourished as many competitors do.  I have hired a coach to help me with all of this, from the physical to the mental and she will help keep me in check.  There will come a point where I will get extremely lean close to competition but I assure you this will be done very strategically and is not a place I plan to stay for a long period of time.  My body fat will be low but it is temporary.  I am not going to turn into a body builder.  I repeat, I AM NOT GOING TO TURN INTO A BODY BUILDER.  I will not look like a man, I will not get “too bulky”, “too muscular” or “be un-lady like”.  Please do not be afraid of what you do not know.  If you want to see some pictures of bikini competitors please check out this website www.npctexas.org and remember it is the bikini division.  Again, I know this might seem foreign to some of you and I don’t expect you to understand why I want to do this but I am asking you to talk to me about it and I will answer any questions you have, but please be supportive.  

There will most likely come a time, or many times that I will get discouraged, doubt myself and not feel like I am making progress, please push me to keep going.  Help me to remember that this is a long journey and not something that happens overnight.  I will need lots of prayers for mental strength and I will be asking God to be at my side, holding my hand through this, and giving me the push I need everyday.  

Tyler and I have discussed this at length and I have his 100% support.  He will also have trials throughout my journey since he will be facing me on a restricted diet (“hangry" Ali is no fun).  Be sure to give him a high-five every now and again as he will endure a lot too.  I am so lucky to have him.  He has told me how proud he is of me and that he will do anything to help me reach my goal.  He has offered to cook my meals for me and eat what I eat to keep me on track.  Thanks babe, you are my rock in this and with you by my side I can conquer anything!  

I start my program on August 17th.  So for the next 9 months or so I will be asking for your support and encouragement. I have sent this email to you because you are my closest family and friends.  You will be my support system and I will need you in this process!  Thank you in advance for being there for me. have no idea where this might lead, or if I will do it again but I am excited to give it a try.  If nothing else I can say I did it and I won’t regret never trying.  I love you all!

Ali    

Definition of Bikini competition: 

Bikini competition was created as a category with much less emphasis on muscularity to accommodate even more women into the world of physique competitions. Rapidly growing, bikini category looks for lean and firm physique and "competitors are scored on proportion, symmetry, balance, shape and skin tone”.^[1]  

Binger?

I've been pretty healthy most of my life and haven't really struggled with having massive amounts of weight to lose but i do struggle with having a love/hate relationship with food. And by love/hate i mostly mean LOVE.   For me, food has always been a "treat". Have a bad day at work..."treat" yourself with something you shouldn't eat. Have a fight with someone you love...eat your feelings. Feeling bad about yourself...one/ten more oreos will make it better.  

I'm not sure how this mind set came about for me. I grew up with lots of "food=comfort" type experiences. I am certainly not blaming  anyone for giving me food issues because I really do believe that you can cook up a big batch of love in the kitchen for someone and it can make them feel better. My mom's fried chicken strips mended many o' teenage heartbreaks in my life. However, the reality is that the act of caring for the hurting person is really the cure for the heartache not the totally delicious bowl of homeade "eat this, you'll feel so much better" soup. 

I have tried for a while now to change the way I see food, but the reality is I still have times in my life where food is not just fuel for my body but a way to escape or cover up a feeling of inadequecy, sorrow, shame or even hopelessness.  The crazy thing about this is I should really know better at this point. I have had binges, I know what they feel like. They NEVER make me feel better or make the underlying feelings disappear, so how can I stop this destruction of my body and mind.  Is there ever a cure for just wanting to eat the whole box of cereal vs a regular portion?  Strangely enough for me the only thing that has helped me is by counting my macros, weighing and tracking what goes in my mouth. It is a sense of control and more than that I have learned so much about how to fuel my body with what I eat. I dont deprive myself of the things I want but I am smart about how I fit them into my daily intake. Like I said before I have never been in the position of needing to lose a lot of weight, but I am in the position of wanting to change my body composition.  I think many people out there are in this boat. Dont have abs, want them.  No booty, want one. Stong arms, gotta have 'em. I never understood the extreme importance of the specific foods we need to achieve these goals and the length of time it takes to achieve them.  Many hours of reading and learning have finally got my mind set in a better place. Am I free of my feelings of needing to binge? No.  But every day I am learning a way to control it and it is happening less and less. If I can encourage you to do one thing to change your life it would be to pay attention to what you put in your mouth. You may find that you aren't eating enough.  Or maybe you didnt realize how much you were eating. Either way I think that while my issues with food often come from emotion and usually you have to takle the emotion first and find the root cause, for me has worked the opposite way.  Start with the actual act of eating and see the power you have to change your body and well being, then you can gain the confidence to change whats happening on the inside.   

Disclaimer: this post was written on my iphone. Please dont judge me by my lack of perfect grammar or spelling.